Once I was so much engulfed in seriousness that it felt so heavy, that it was almost impossible to bear. Everything was full of meaning, heavy of bearing like lead. It was hard to breath, hard to sleep, only the silence in meditation was an escape.
The thought of me having to fight, although knowing that all fight is fruitless, was impossible to bear and to face for me. I knew it, since I started realizing my silent inner nature, and reading the Bhagavadgita, that the time will come when I will have to fight.
And like Arjuna, the thought of this, terrified me. All the time in this years, it haunted me like a ghost. This scene has engraved itself deeply into me.
Times were grimmer just 30 years ago. The world didn’t look like it would be changing for the better at all. It looked like I would have to live and fight for light and freedom, knowing that I will ultimately fail, letting ignorance fall upon earth and succumbing myself to it as well.
The only honor was in dying for a just cause.
Living without hope is unbearable for men, and yet the only path to freedom.
Having to fight, although knowing that all is lost, that the dark age is upon us, whatever the outcome of the struggle…
What courage is needed for that! No human is capable of that.
What a despair it was for me, living knowingly that I will fall in line with my comrades, mowed down by the sickle of death, and nothing would be gained to makes this planet a more happy place.
The time in the Ashram, sitting in silent meditation for years, living in a time capsule, a seed prepared for sprouting.
When I left, it was because my soul spread out is first filaments to the world and was seeking contact with it for nourishment.
It wasn’t a nice experience for me, who was identified with being a pure spirit, not wanting to be identified with anything bodily or earthly.
And yet, once the sprout feels the humid earth, nothing will hold it back.
I had no chance, although during all the time I thought I have some control, I hadn’t. It unfolded with a mathematical precision. It is called Life.
Many experiences I regarded as not nice, many experiences I regarded as beautiful, and in this duality lay the growth. Accepting gradually over time, me being incorporated in a species called “Humans”, accepting a concrete form.
This concrete form was nevertheless never really taken serious by me. It felt like a dress and my inner child knew it is nothing else like that. I always felt bewildered when people identified me by this dress. Rare have been those who could see my spirit, my soul.
In slowly realizing that nothing in this world can taint this inner innocence of mine, I became lighter, and lighter.
There was nothing to fight for anymore, nothing to avoid, nothing to long for, although I still would do what was needed and functioned as necessary.
Both sides on this planet, the ones that enslave you to make you feed people above you, or the ones that free you to make you aware of your own responsibility for life, both feel more like a play of shades. One of them couldn’t be without the other, couldn’t realize its nature without the other. And the frontiers in these forces are getting more fuzzy and less sharp. People who seem to work for the dark side, can anytime switch sides and suddenly work for the light side.
The mercy shown to Gollum by Frodo in the Lord of the Rings, was ultimately the reason that freedom was gained.
You don’t know how fate turns out.
In realizing that I am not any form, in realizing this in midst of an ordinary live, the heaviness lifted.
I am not alone, I am all of this.
I am experience itself, I am connected to all lights and shadows.
I praise the actors, and the spectator.
Praise the one supreme realization that makes you live life without fear.