I thought, once you know the answers to the main questions, the answers to why you are here and what life is all about, you achieved all there is to achieve.
I thought, once you are ‘enlightened’, there is nothing more to do.
I thought, once the one who asks the questions lets go and opens up, there is nothing more to do.
I was wrong.
Although I am not identified with being the doer anymore,
since I know who I am, life seems magically to have started, not ended.
Before that, have I been asleep?
I remember a dream, and in that dream, sometimes, during meditation or in sleep, I woke up.
It never took long to start forgetting again, forgetting again that I was in a dream.
I took refuge In that moments of clarity and wakefulness, kindling the fire of not forgetting, bathing in the love of pure awareness, of the ‘I am’ without separation, without judging.
Through experience I began to realize, that this moments are not permanent, that I will forget again. Yes, once I changed levels of consciousness, my previous level of awareness and all the experiences attached to it were forgotten too, and only a dim dream like memory remained, I remembered that there was something important to remember.
So after a while of forgetting, remembering, forgetting, and remembering again, fear started to grip my heart every time I felt the veils of forgetting start to close again over my consciousness. A shrieky cry of fear inside me shouted at the top of its lungs, “No, I don’t want to go back into the darkness of this rough world anymore, I don’t want to drown again, I don’t want to forget all this.” And thats what it always felt like to me, forgetting my home was like drowning in a dark stormy and noisy sea, like a death experience, over and over and over again.
Learning to die was a tough experience for me this life. It took me long to overcome my fear and accept dying, accept forgetting, accept the darkness of this edgy world and its limits in time and space that never felt right.
The one who asked the questions opened up and agreed upon his dissolution.
When this process started a few years ago, when I started to relax in this process of forgetting, surrendering to it, and not only surrendering but even embracing it with love, I started to realize… No, ‘realize’ is not the right word, I became ‘aware’. I became aware of a ‘presence’, yes, thats the right expression, I became aware of a presence, I like to call it my soul, a gentle awareness of all that is, exactly that loving awareness I woke up to so many times in my dreamed life before, only now it started to shine through everywhere.
This dream has become like a sieve now, holes are starting to show up everywhere.
Thats how my awakening happens, slowly, over time.
By accepting death and forgetting, I awoke to both, being a part of the dream, and being aware I am dreaming.
I see now, that only now, a life that is truly self destined is possible, a life that is not destined by automatic reflexes from past conditionings.
So, now, what to do?
It does not make a difference if I am doing something or not, if I am meditating or not. The borders between both are fading, and one immerses in the other. The silent awareness experienced only in meditation in the beginning, pops up everywhere now, even at the least expected places, like when opening the fridge and looking inside, suddenly this intense presence of awareness. Or while reading the news, or organizing my work in the office. It is running through all the holes in the sieve and soaking me everywhere.
The funny thing is, that it has always been like this. It’s a huge laugh if you become aware of this the first time. It has always been like this. It is just that once there was a person who thought it is separate, where it never was. His own identification created this persons experience of separateness. His wants and fears, created a bubble around him, in which to make the experience of this world, the experiences of being a separate entity. And this separation makes it possible to experience love and fear. Only through the experience of the fear of separation, you start to value the love experience in oneness.
Now, I can, finally, live a life a life that is destined by the silent voice of your inner heart.
I realize the immense realm of freedom I have and I do feel kind of lost in all that space.
What shall I do now? What goal to accomplish? Where to go?
Looking into eternity this question can not be answered. But here in my life, here in this moment, at this bright sunny day, there is one answer, and one only, at every given moment. Every moment is the moment to make a decision, the decision to follow the whisper of silence in you, or the screeching voice of the world, trying to convince you of its importance.
Although all that is ultimately futile to ask from the standpoint of your being not separated from anywhere, my soul does seem to have some motivation, some kind of vision it came here for.
In the past I lived by consuming, consuming experiences and knowledge. Always listen to the outside, even be it teachers of wisdom speaking of the importance of the inside.
Now it is different, I start to listen to the inside and start to give it a voice to express itself, express itself and singing about the experiences it made, singing about love and fear, of separation and love.
All this is happening now, and I have written this in a moment of great clarity. There is no guarantee it will stay like this,
yet this is not of my concern anymore.