I was born 1961 in a small workers town near the Ruhr area of Germany as the eldest kid of 4 of a miner and a shop girl.
I do hardly remember anything of my first years on earth.
I have been told that I was brought up the first year by my Grandmother, who I loved very much. (Unfortunately discovered very late by me. Grandma, thanks!) I remember being always at peace when being in her home later on. I never was like that at my parents home.
Sometime in the first year I burnt my face and my left hand on a waffle iron, it was told to me, and I spend some time in hospital. Fortunately my face healed completely and I can only see traces on my left hand.
I was told that I spoke like a waterfall, of course only babble, but it seemed I had a lot to say. And then it was gone some day. I remember only small glimpses and I am never sure if I remember this images only because I was told about it later on.
What I do remember in my heart are immense feelings of loneliness. Like standing on a meadow under a blue sky, realising the vastness of this world. Not with a sense of wonder, but with a feeling of utter loneliness, being fully aware of my body boundaries and the space around me. Or standing at the window sill, seeing a lonely child like me on the other side of the street.
My memories come slowly back with schooling and the advent of puberty. I was slowly awakening from a kind of bubble around me that felt like cotton wool. My parents called me a dreamer that wanted only one thing, and that was reading, as soon as I could spell the first letters. The teachers called me a ‘late comer’. What they did not know was, that my inner world was so much richer than their outer world.
I tried to fit the whole knowledge of the world in my ring binder. Everything I kept in there was full of meaning, running from every pore like honey. I was especially fond of any kind of mythology and I loved to paint the Egyptian goddesses which I stumbled upon exploring archaeological books in the local municipal library. And I did a lot of inventions too, sketching them on paper, only to be laughed about by others. They couldn’t sense the joy I had exploring all this endless possibilities I grew aware of.
Playing joyfully and creating, thats how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it? But I began to doubt.
I was reading a lot. I read everything that came into my hands, everything that offered some new views. I remember that I was growing kind of frightened realizing in what kind of world I have arrived. Something was oddly wrong here. By that time I had long realized that I would not be able to fit the knowledge of the whole world in my blue ring binder. A sense of being lost crept up.
Around the age of 12 a crisis began to emerge. I saw clearly, something has to be done on this world to save it. That was really my thinking. I talked with my school comrades about it and they saw it too, but they didn’t see or feel the urgency of it like I did.
I was helpless and had absolutely no power.
I was reasoning why I did not commit suicide. There was no hope, surely. But as I was not able to do so, I began thinking that I must have overlooked something that kept me going.
I dived into alternative theories of ancient civilizations, UFOs and parapsychology stuff and all that. An understanding began to emerge that mankind had a far greater potential than I previously thought and a complete different history than acknowledged. And also science seemed to had some serious blinkers on.
My parents, completely unable to cope with my interests, tried to avoid it, and soon I hid myself and kept more quiet as I already was.
So I started looking how I could enhance my potential. I realized I had to change myself first, I had to become stronger to have any chance of achieving anything at all.
This thought lead me to a study of ancient scriptures about Meditation, Yoga, Zen and so on. At least I studied everything our small municipal library had to offer. To the shock of my parents I became also a vegetarian.
I read a book in the Library about Transcendental Meditation. I was hooked. I saw all this diagrams of brainwave patterns and how the brain got coherent from just a few minutes of meditation. I just HAD to learn this. I wrote letters to the editors and the addresses in this book. But everything was outdated since several years and I never got an answer. It was still a long time to go until the invention of the Internet.
Then it happened. My brother told me he had seen a poster in town about something with meditation. I jumped on my bike, and found the poster. It was an announcement of a lecture about Transcendental Meditation. I went there, and a week later I learned it. I was 15 and it was 1976.
The first moment I took my mantra, the moment I went on board of this syllable, it took me past all the thoughts I had started to identify with. I was free and was all of a sudden not being plagued by them anymore. The mantra was a vehicle that brought me to this place. An immense bliss filled me. I was in it for several months. I experienced a peace I never thought possible. I meditated regularly and did some yoga additionally, and it was every time as if I was radiating sunlight. I was full of warmth and a golden light. My heart melted. I could watch all the other thoughts and see I was free. I felt a union with the whole planet, unthinkable. I lost the boundaries that made me feel lonely.
But no experience lasts, and this one faded month by month to be replaced by a simple silence in which I nevertheless felt very much at home.
During that time another striking thing happened. I started to get a nightmare, frequently. Not every night, but many nights. I was very frightened about it. First of all because it felt somehow familiar, and secondly because this nightmare consisted only of sound and light. I had never heard about anything like that.
It was a simple dream. It started always with a slow lulling rhythm, with slow-flowing warm colors. Very nice and kind of cozy. But after some experience with this dream, I consciously knew already at this point that I was dreaming and how this dream would continue. Which just added to the panic of course. The rhythm got small irregularities, nothing serious in the beginning, but increasing. The colors got more and more stirred up, more energetic, more and more angular with sharp spikes. Less and less smooth flowing curves. This increased into a crescendo at the end of which I was flooded with white, merciless light.
The rhythm gone, woken at the height, sweating, panting.
But the biggest shock still awaited me. My viewing angle had changed. My small attic room had become a giant hall. When I touched my fingers, they felt like big balloons. My body felt swollen as if I was a giant. After some experience with this dream I just waited till this swelling perception and strange vision faded slowly, never touching any part of my body, until I was sure it was over.
This nightmare became so conscious to me, that I even observed it once in meditation. And when I heard the distant soothing drums pouncing the rhythm, announcing the coming of this event, I innerly cried out in pain, “What is this!” “I want to know why!”, “Enough”.
At this point it dawned on me: This dream was my own birth. I remembered my birth!
And it sure was not a nice thing to remember. The heartbeat of my mother was the rhythm, the crescendo, the light at birth, the viewing angle of a baby and the touch of baby hands to which everything, even my own adult hands must be massively big.
This dream never occurred again.
Shortly thereafter, still lat the age of 15, I finished school. As I did not enter higher school, I was designated by parents and teachers to make an apprenticeship as chemical laboratory assistant due to the high grades I had in chemistry and physics during school.
As I did not have any practical idea of how to survive in this world, and had proven earlier that I was completely unable to grasp the concept of money, I went with it. And science always fascinated me. So it looked promising.
The chemical laboratories of the chemical giant Bayer, where I learned this profession, have been quite a shock to me. I felt like an Ork working in some underground facility on secret projects of mass destruction (of insects threatening to destroy crops actually). Imagine a small skyscraper only filled with laboratories. Walking the hallways, passing one laboratory after the other, endless corridors. And every laboratory has a different smell. Smells you have never smelled before, that I never want to smell again. It was a kind of hell to the child in me, that started to retract from the senses again.
It was here that one technique I happened to discover during meditation was very helpful. I was able, by simple intention and attention, to smell Sandalwood at the tip of my nose. For fun I tried once if it works also with shit-smell. It did and I never tried that one again.
The 3 years of training passed quickly. The only thing I love to remember are the “survival”-trips I did with some friends to the wilderness of Sweden and Finland, wandering and paddling into endlessness. The nature of this planet became very dear to me.
I turned 18 and was full of age and it was clear to me without saying that I would give up the “career” at this company as my father would put it. I looked for people in the mediation business like me and found a flat share community of meditators in a former office-flat. The group was around 8 people big and I joined them. I learned the advanced techniques, called the ‘Sidhis’. One of them is trying to fly, which plays a special part in my life. Although, to this day, the only place I am able to fly is in my dreams, but that with a sense of great reality.
It was here that I met the first people in my life, that really meant something to me, that were from the same “mission”, or whatever you would like to call it. Looking back, I would like to say, I owe them very much.
This community was only the first step. I was like a train on steam on rails, I wanted to dedicate myself completely to meditation helping to raise the world consciousness by it and strengthening myself. That was my sole intention, as strange as it may sound to others. I looked for opportunities and soon I heard of a group of people doing nothing else than meditating, acting as a kind of task force for Maharishi that could be sent around the world to have a soothing, calming influence on the targeted countries. This group was called the Sidha-Purusha.
I applied and they accepted me.
I felt at home right away. Meditating 3 hours in the morning and 3 in the evening. Doing some study, work and long walks in between. We were sent to several countries the first 2 years, the main ones have been Gambia and the Philippines. I don’t know what happened during the stay of us in that countries though. My focus was meditation only and I rarely left the hotel in those months.
The travel in the first 2 years took its toll though on me. I grew kind of weak, lonely again. It was welcomed then by me and many others, that we were no more required to travel around, and were given a permanent home in Vlodrop, Holland.
The routine went on as always, every day the same, meditating mornings and evenings long hours. No difference between days. I spent 4 hours of work every day in the printing department where I learned to handle offset printing machines. I grew kind of fond of the smaller printing machines there and learned to love the engineering mastership that went into this machines.
Most of all I like to remember the hour long walks I took with some friends. All of which had followed me later from the flat share community that was my first stepping stone. This community was really a special place. We had a great influence on each other. The walks have been always timeless. I remember especially the long evening walks in the dark under moon light in the heath surrounding the Ashram. Watching the stars, listening to wild deers or boars, often not speaking a single word, sometimes completely engulfed in matters of the world or experiences.
I have the strange certainty, to have experienced this before in some other life, and that this kind of life was normal actually, but for some reason not on this planet and not now.
My intellect formed in this time, and I started to judge, to differentiate. A valuable experience, but I turned kind of very cruel, not realizing, that I, this body, my surroundings, neighbors and the world, are all a part of me, so to say and that I was harming myself.
Everything was accounted for in my world view and I was the master.
It was then, that I made a literally eye-opening experience. Once during the long hours of meditation in the common meditation hall, I felt a bit of tiredness and I decided to lay down for some minutes till refreshed again. I lay down for a while ’till I felt refreshed. Then I lifted myself back up to the backrest in sitting position as usual to continue meditation. I opened my eyes and saw a small furry being sitting at my feet. As soon as I realized what I saw, I was lying on my back again and my eyes opened, this time for real. Actually I had been lying on the floor all the time, having not sit up at all. Obviously, I did sit up only with my astral body and had opened my eyes then.
This experience was a shock. I had read about this, but never something like that had happened. I had an instinctive feeling what this meant, but did not want to pay attention to this feeling.
My batteries were kind of full and releasing energies into powers that I had absolutely no control over. It became dangerous and, in hindsight, I can see now, I was on the verge of madness.
As we all have been monks in this group and I joined when I was 18 I was still a virgin.
But on one of this rare european meetings of meditators I met her. I looked in here eyes, and I melted like ice in the sun.
I fled the group for some days to meet her, and I am not ashamed to say, it was then at the age of 26 that I had my first sexual union. And it was an experience of light and darkness, exactly as my world view was. First of all I was shocked by the behavior of my body and its reactions and my inability to feel actually anything. I felt distant, and was nevertheless intoxicated by her complete surrender and devotion. As I couldn’t cope with her feelings, I became cruel in my words, dismantling this creation, showing her that there was nothing good on this planet and a battle of light and darkness going on.
I was in a kind of frenzy, talking my head off. I stopped talking when I realized she turned white and lifeless. The most valuable thing I took home was her message at parting. It was raining. She cried silent tears, caressed my cheeks and said “No, No, No”, over and over again. Every time I remember this, I am still crying.
Forgive me, my lady, for what I have done. May you be well and happy.
Nevertheless it took two more meetings with her, to realize, I couldn’t continue like this anymore. I left the Ashram with some hiccups finally and a new will took shape in me.
“No more No!”
So far I have lived a life of discrimination, dividing everything between good and bad, and of saying No to everything physical. Now I wanted to live a life of YES. Whatever I will encounter, I will embrace it and stop judging. I became convinced that there is actually no evil at all, that we are all beings of the same consciousness. Any judgment would create a divide and you end up actually creating what you are fighting against. Who is that “ME”, that feels empowered to be the judge over others? That was my question. I had absolutely no right to judge anyone.
Of course, I was a bit extreme with it again, throwing away all teachings and experiences I had made so far. But strangely, whenever I threw away a part of me, someone picked it up and brought it back to me. I remember particularly an incident with a friend who gave me a book about the Upanishads. I had basically nothing left than my rucksack at that time. The Upanishads have been the first ancient scriptures I read in my youth, even before I started meditation. And when I read one of my favorite stories in it again, I could only cry while reading it, and I felt even more lonely and completely lost in this world.
Slowly, over many, many years, I gained ground. I did what other people usually do, before they start in spiritual matters. To have a “normal” life and some kind of “career” to get their feet on the ground and support their living.
I started kind of at the bottom, working as a data typist in a transport company and slowly developing a sense of what this body actually wants to do and what he is interested in. I went more and more into IT and became quite talented. I have a sense for the beauty of logic and any well ordered system. Therefore I loved to program computers. It was kind of soothing to have something of beauty and order in a small scale, in a world where I actually felt lost.
Then I met my now wife, who became the most faithful companion and lover I could ever wish for. Since 16 years now have we been mutually supporting each other, literally through good and bad times. I am painfully aware of how much I love her and how much I owe her.
Thank you my lady!
I have the strange feeling now, that the times of dark, loneliness and suffering are over. My body is at peace with my spiritual self and vice versa. I remember life to be so completely different, that I had extreme difficulties to adjust to this planet. Although I don’t know details, I know and feel that my life before birth has been paradise compared to what’s going on on Earth.
Now, it seems to be time to go public.
I really don’t know what I have to say and I even don’t know why I have the strong urge in me to write and do the first tender steps in expressing my feelings publicly. I only know, I have to express them, as my heart feels like it is going to explode. I have to publish my poems and whatever writings may flow out of me, or I will turn really sick.
Whoever may read this, may you live long and happily.